Starting big singles

My mate Ibbo has just bought a Honda XR400. Aren't they hard to start . He asked for some advice so I sent him this. Fo most this will all be a memory from years ago, but I still have to do it on my ancient TT600.

THE SIMPLE GUIDE TO STARTING BIG SINGLES

1. Go out to your garage and check the motorcycle is capable of safe operation (this would include a brief visual check of tyres, brakes, throttle and other controls).
2. Mentally review your own fitness to undertake the tasks to which you are committing yourself . This would include answering such questions as:
Is my heart sound?
Do I have my blood pressure under control?
If asthmatic, do I have a back-up inhaler available?
Do I have joint problems in the lower part of my body?
Do my shin bones break easily?
Is my mental state robust enough to withstand extreme stress and frustration.?
Have I made a will?
Bear in mind that the most common causes of failure to start are human, not mechanical.
3. Go and put your riding gear on. Be sure to wear wool next to the skin and to stuff a big scarf down your neck.
4. Make sure the fuel tap is turned on. If you find it is on all ready then turn it off and drain the carburettor to get rid of stale fuel, then turn it back on.
5. If the engine is cold then you will probably need some choke. Exactly how much is something a motorcyclist learns during the course of of his or her troubled and disfunctional relationship with his or her bike.
6 Stand astride the bike. If you are tough then just hold it vertical. If you are like me then put it on its side stand. If you know someone who can weld then that is a bonus, as the stresses this creates will eventually break it, its mounting point, or both.
7. Ease the piston over top dead centre by gently depressing the kick start. You will know when this was as by the time your realise you have got to that point you will have gone too far and have to try again. Normally you will have to try this so many times that you will flood the engine and wet the plug. You will then have to kick furiously with the fuel off and the throttle open. This is called ''clearing the plug''. It doesn't actually work.
8. Hold the throttle at the point you have found that allows your bike to start. To decide on this point see instruction 5.
9. Kick firmly with a smooth, sustained and forceful motion. This is the point where the bike is supposed to roar into life. Just like the Titanic was supposed to be unsinkable.
10. Don't worry when it doesn't, ''They all do that sir.''
11. Repeat the kicking until you have palpitations. Try to vary the positions of the choke and throttle into all possible combinations, even though you know from previous experience that it will make no difference. It's the hope that sustains you.
12. When you get to the point when you are looking round to see if anybody is available to phone for an ambulance, stop, take off your helmet, scarf, and gloves. You could also try loosening your collar to release the steam.
13. Continue the sequence of kicking and removing clothing until you can go no further due to public decency legislation. If there is no one around then you can continue until naked. Note however that you must under no circumstance try kicking the bike without your boots on. The presence of a thick covering of leather means the difference between a simple and compound fracture of the shin bone if the bike backfires. The kinetic energy released by a backfire is similar to that of a steel bar being swung by a victim of bear attack. If you know anybody who has a very bumpy shinbone they have probably been a motorcyclist in the past.
14. If you are still unsuccessful (and you probably will be), then stop and have a cup of tea. Make it strong. Caffiene is a mild stimulant and it will help. You might be tempted to try a stronger stimulant, but amphetamine addiction is hard to shake off.
15. Refreshed, go back to your struggle. Where were you about to go? Are you still that keen? My guess is that it will now become a fight to the death with the bike. One you must win. Sod what you were planning. Just starting the thing is now the objective.
16. Do the checks that you know are futile. Is there petrol? Is there a spark? Are all electrical leads connected? Of course they are. Just checking though will make sure you have got you breath back. And your hands greasy. Washing them will give you further recovery time.
17. As if by magic the bike will now start. You probably don't know what you did differently. Don't dwell on this, over time it will become automatic, like throwing a ball to someone.
18. Put all you gear back on and get on the bike.
19. Stall the bike and start over again.